I went back to the doctor yesterday, for a check-up. They won’t give me more than four weeks’ supply of antidepressants at a time, so that they can see me on a regular basis. I think that’s very sensible, and I do feel that I’m being cared for well by the system (which is the NHS in Wales). The doctor said that given my history of depression it might be a good idea if I’m on the antidepressants indefinitely. There are no dangers to taking them long term, as long as the side effects are not too bad, and so far, they’re not.
Apparently though, they might take up to eight weeks to kick in fully. So far, I’ve had a good response to them. I still get bad days, or rather, bad periods of time – I’ll have a good morning and go downhill in the afternoon, or find it really difficult to get out of bed, but be fine later on. But I’m having a good day around half the time at the moment.
So I’m wondering what will happen if I keep on improving? What kind of a person will I turn out to be? My energy levels are already higher than they were – not hugely, but I find it a lot easier to just potter around getting things done, and spend much less time feeling so drained I can hardly stand. If this carries on, will I become the Superwoman that I always felt I had to try to be? Or will I cease to care about it and just get on with enjoying life? I still don’t know exactly what I want to do with my life, but somehow it seems to matter less.
The tablets I’m on this time are slightly different to the ones I’ve been on previously – lustral rather than citalopram. The leaflet says they are for major depression and anxiety, and I had no idea how badly I suffered from anxiety until I stopped. Another reason why I’ve been so exhausted all of the time – I was so anxious about just about everything. I never relaxed. Now, I find I need a lot more sleep. Maybe I’ll catch up with myself eventually. Until then, I’ll be spending as much time sleeping as I can get away with.