Fear

All’s going well. I’m seven weeks into my antidepressants, with very few side effects, and slowly, really slowly, my energy levels are rising. I’m still tired all the time, and not sleeping as much as I feel I need to, but even if I’m very very tired, I seem to be able to potter around and get things done. I didn’t have a good day at work today. I know I wasn’t on top form. I had three meetings, and didn’t really feel I made much of a contribution, and didn’t understand some of the information I was given. That was because I was so tired. But I’m quite calm about that, and not panicking that I’ll lose my job, as I would have done a few weeks ago.

I even went out yesterday! To someone else’s house, had a meal, had a great time just chatting and watching our combined five boys running around. It was a fabulous afternoon, and only when I came home did I realise how I’d stopped going out, stopped socialising, stopped being spontaneous, stopped everything because I couldn’t cope with the basics of living day to day. The possibility of an actual social life is now looming…

And I’m making forward progress. I’ve realised that even in a really bad state, I’ve been learning and moving forward, changing myself and the way I deal with certain things, so that my reactions are more constructive. Looking back, it’s felt like crawling up a very steep hill at times, that it took every ounce of effort to make the changes, to not slip backwards – but somehow I did it, and now that my mental state is more stable, I do feel that this progress is being consolidated.

I don’t want to rush forward, but I am aware I still have lots of issues to deal with. One that came to the surface today is that I’m still scared of my depression. Now that I feel better, I am scared that the moods of black despair will come back again. I guess I feel I have no control over them, and therefore no control over myself. And I’m worried, with no logical basis, that the tablets will stop working and I won’t be able to stop from sinking down into depression again.

I don’t really know how to move forward with this one. I’ve had an appointment for CBT, and I’m hoping that will help. I’m also hoping that putting a name to my fear, bringing it out into the open, will help. Maybe I should have started recording my issues a long time ago but I’ve always been terrible at keeping a diary. Somehow a blog is easier. And if bringing my issues into the open does prove good for me, looks like I’ll be writing this blog for a long time to come.

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4 Responses to Fear

  1. I know exactly what you are talking about when you write about the fear of falling backwards into the black. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for over a decade now, and while things are a lot better than in the beginning it is still a work in progress. That fear of falling back is very common and so real to me it inspired the name of my blog. I have just begun writing about my own experience, and am finding it helpful to have place to put all the stuff running around in my head. Keep writing, and I am glad you are starting to feel better.

    • Thanks Casey – I think we’re all always works in progress but somehow we forget that that is a natural state of affairs. I find it very helpful and supportive to read about other people’s experiences too, to feel that I’m not alone in how I feel. I hope things continue to improve for you.

  2. Nikka says:

    Sounds as though you are right on the curve! I congratulate you on your awareness of both your accomplishments and your fears. One of the biggest steps is to be aware of these and watch and see what your reactions are and then learning to choose a different reaction! Very powerful! And yes, you will be able to put a name on your fear. Keep going! And remember that asking for help from your therapist (and anyone else who you feel is qualified and safe to give it,) is perfectly alright and appropriate.

    Way to go!

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