Mostly very happy actually. I’ve found myself walking around with a huge smile on my face, and singing lots (alone in the car, I wouldn’t subject anyone else to that). I feel as if the clouds have thinned out to blue sky. Not quite complete sunshine yet, although given the weather in Wales at the moment, that might be one metaphor too far.
I had a couple of slightly wobbly days at the start of the week, and thought that if I didn’t feel better soon, I’d go and ask for my antidepressant dose to be increased. I remember feeling so utterly fed up with being unhappy with myself, even a little, so tired of feeling guilty, insecure, worried. And then – something snapped – and I stopped. Just stopped.
A curious combination of sensations occurred. I remembered who I am, not just logically but inside as well. Upbeat, happy, contented, energised, supportive. Shining from my heart. Sociable, talkative, bossy and relentless… all the energy came back. Not consistently, so there have been some times this week when the energy wasn’t present, but enough so that I am now sure that my current medication doesn’t make me lose my sense of self, which some of the past ones have done.
But I also realised that I’m not who I thought I was. It seems to me that writing down deep spiritual discoveries results in a lack of coherence… so I’ll try to list things what I have discovered about myself that surprised me.
I like exercise. Not so much sport, but that’s mostly because I’m not fit enough right now. I went to a yoga class and loved it. I’m doing some walking, and really enjoying it. I did some cycling and really enjoyed that as well. I’m going to try Pilates as well, and any other kind of class that’s convenient and takes my fancy.
I’m not always a brilliant mother. But I am usually a good father. The Husband and I swapped conventional gender roles – I go out to work and earn the money, and he does the much harder job of looking after our three children and the house. For a long time I’ve felt guilty and a failure as a mother, because I couldn’t hold down a full time job and deal with all of the minutiae of getting my boys fed, clothed, and to the right places at the right times. But I’ve realised it doesn’t matter – however we divide up the tasks and duties, it’s our business. Our children are happy, well fed, and having a good life, and I’m a crucial part of that however the mechanics of it work.
I am an extrovert. At least I think so – sociable, gregarious, interested in other people (to the point of nosiness), like to go out, happy to meet complete strangers for work… all things which used to make my heart sink but just don’t any more.
I have self-confidence. When did that happen? I used to be so shy…
I’m a people person. I have lots of solid, loving friends. I always knew that, but I guess I thought I was lucky rather than deserving. That’s a bad way to go because then I’m always worried about ‘they don’t know what I’m really like inside’…
I am a bit Carrie Bradshaw. I love trying on clothes now, even if most of them still don’t fit me and some look a bit strange, and I feel a deep need to buy some more shoes. I’m getting GHD hair straighteners for my festive gift (a Jewish/Pagan interfaith household, we don’t have Christmas but we do have the Solstice and Chanukah).
I add value. Personally and professionally – I am good at my job, and sometimes, very good at my job.
I like who I am and I am good enough. Right through to the core. Doesn’t mean I have no flaws, there are things about myself I am trying to change and develop – but that does not cause me to try to destroy myself anymore. Everyone is on a continuous improvement arc – and if they’re not, IMHO they should be.
So – this week I’ve mostly been very happy. It may not last. I may forget all of these realisations – but for now, I am who I am – and I am a force to be reckoned with.