Life goes on

I have a new job – one that so far, four days in, I love. The car wouldn’t start today, so now it’s in the garage and we’re managing with one car. Weather is lousy – so cold I feel I don’t want to do anything except hibernate. And the whole family is bunged up with various lurgis. I’ve started back at yoga and tomorrow our two eldest boys are going to Kung Fu classes with The Husband.

Life goes on. I have some good days and some bad days. Today was a bad day. I slept ten hours last night, felt tired all day today, felt quite ill for some of it and now I can’t sleep. Most of the week was good, but tonight I feel quite frustrated with myself for not sleeping and being low on energy all round.

Life goes on. Sometimes it’s difficult to know what to write. If I have a good week that’s because my depression is well managed and doesn’t impact my life so in this aspect of my blog at least, there’s nothing to write about. No earth shattering revelations, no insightful comments, just work and washing and cooking and organising the minutiae of the day. Just being normal. Nothing to report. No news is good news.

Life goes on.

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2 Responses to Life goes on

  1. I have a feeling that what you’ve described is what the medical profession is aiming for in cases of depression. You are now a normal, functioning member of society – whatever that means. FWIW I think that differing levels of aspiration in society contribute to stress and ultimately mental illness. We are bombarded with images of the super-successful, whatever their field, in an aspirational way. But, alongside this, we still need people to do the normal, boring jobs, to keep society running even though these jobs are often not highly valued.

    • I think you’re right – I know I suffer horribly from guilt that I don’t manage to be the perfect mother and have a full time job and stay on a strict diet and go to the gym three times a week… in my own geeky little world, my job as a Business Analyst for a bank is a highly valued job. It certainly pays well, and there are people out there who have career aspirations to be Business Analysts. I find it interesting and in the right circumstances, very satisfying work. But somehow, if I let myself, I end up listening to the voices of madness that surround me – and they’re not voices in my head, they’re voices in the media, of people with hidden agendas, of the government, of misguided scientists with beliefs as strong as any religious evangelist… and they say, even if you have a fabulous job, you’re overweight, you’re not doing right by your children, you need an even better job, you need to do more housework, you’re not keeping up with the paperwork, enjoying the right kinds of hobbies, you have the wrong skincare routine…

      I’m not schizophrenic as far as I can tell, and I’ve read a fair amount about the experiences of people who suffer with this disease. I have read somewhere that one theory is that sometimes these people hear voices and experience them as external, when most people would identify them as internal thoughts. That somehow the schizophrenic person is not able to make the distinction. I have no idea whether that’s actually true, or whether it’s just a likely theory, or even whether it’s been discredited since I read it. But we all hear voices telling us things all the time, and if you think about it, really often these voices are telling us, directly or indirectly, that we’re inadequate, failing in some way. After years and years of practice, and with the help of my little blue pills, I am getting a lot better at screening them out. But given the lives we lead, honestly I wonder why more people aren’t raving mad…

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