No not the trance track by Faithless, although I confess I do quite like it… I just can’t sleep. I’ve taken a melatonin tablet and hopefully I’ll get to the end of my post before it kicks in.

I saw the Colitis surgery specialist today, or rather, I saw one of his assistants. She was very nice, and sympathetic, but can’t give me any treatment – I have to be referred to a gastroenterologist who will actually give me the treatment. That should happen within a month.

Meanwhile, I’ve had some unpleasant symptoms since the end of March, and they’re steadily getting worse. I also had a nasty shock when I went to my GP to ask for my specialist’s appointment to be moved onto the urgent list – apparently I have severe ulcerative colitis, although limited in the area of the bowel that it affects. I always assumed it was a mild case, since it’s not affecting my ability to work and I’m not in constant pain.

This is where the antidepressants don’t really help. I feel fairly numb about it all on the surface, but I suspect that the worry is gnawing away underneath, resulting in the sleeplessness and general lethargy that I’m feeling. I don’t feel angry, and I should really. All of the things that I should worry about, and normally would, I’m not. But I don’t think at the moment it’s a healthy reaction, because I have this nagging feeling all the time that I’ve forgotten something, or that something is on hold for the moment.. And despite not being able to sleep at bedtime, the rest of the day I feel that I could lie down and sleep for weeks. I’m reading a lot of chicklit, and watching every episode of CSI or Law and Order that’s broadcast (and that’s a great many). I think a lot of my background processing power is being used up in trying to cope with the worry.

I don’t know if there’s a solution – I am unwilling to lower my dose in the winter, so the numbness will have to stay. I won’t take a higher dose or I’ll just become more numb and the worry will be driven deeper underground. I suspect that the truth is, having untreated colitis for seven months is dragging me down physically. There have been times when I’ve even gone off chocolate, that’s how bad it gets sometimes(!) So once I actually do get my treatment, hopefully I’ll feel a lot better… and no. I haven’t lost any weight – in fact I’ve put on a couple of stone recently because my appetite is not conducive to a sensible diet…

And now the melatonin has kicked in so I’m off to bed. Well, perhaps one more quick game of Nethack first…

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