Day 5

I’ve now completed five whole days of the Cambridge Weight Plan step 2. It’s not easy, but it’s not impossible. And I’m so darned stubborn, I won’t give up unless it’s clearly a) not working or b) causing my health to actually deteriorate instead of improving.

The products are ok. I’m not keen on the porridge, although it’s edible – I’d just rather eat soup or a shake for breakfast. The soups are nice, because they’re very savoury, and taste a bit like pot noodles, which are my guilty pleasure. The shakes are also quite nice, as long as I manage to whisk them enough. Otherwise they’re a bit lumpy. Cappucino, Mint Chocolate and Chocolate Orange are especially nice. I wasn’t so keen on leek and potato soup, but all of the others are fine. Having a pint of skimmed milk is also a bonus, because I can have a nice cup of tea at any time, or a cup of coffee if I really feel I need a treat.

I am hungry a lot of the time. That doesn’t surprise me. I’m sure my stomach must be shrinking, and it probably has a long way to go. The first couple of nights I was kept awake by hunger. I still get hunger pangs some of the time, although I think they’re getting less frequent. I’m not really getting many of the side-effects though except for indigestion.

Overall, the first day was ok, days two to four were hard. Today was better.  My ketostix say I’m not in ketosis, but to be fair they’re about four years old. I’m certainly feeling a bit more energetic than I have been in recent weeks, but I do tire easily and get a bit dizzy.

I’m weighing myself every day, against everyone’s advice, because I don’t like surprises. So far according to my scales, I’ve lost 2.5 lbs (ish), which is nice, but probably not incredibly accurate.

However – and this won’t mean anything to you unless you are a person of a certain size whose weight goes up and down by large amounts – I can cross my legs again. This is a minor but significant milestone, and means I feel considerably less uncomfortable in general. It also means the weight must be coming off my thighs, which is interesting – because I’m very conscious of my spare tyres and my hips, I don’t usually take a lot of notice of my legs. I’m also digging out some underwear that has been hidden for some time at the back of the drawer because it didn’t fit me, and I’m happy to note that now some of it at least does fit me, comfortably too.

I was looking back over my MyFitnessPal records, and it appears that until now, all year, the lowest I’ve weighed is 15 stone, and the highest was 15 stone 7. If my scales are to be believed (and they are the ones I’ve been using all along, albeit they’re Lidl’s best), today I weigh 207.6 lbs or 14 stone 11.6. So the optimistic view is that from my heaviest this year I’ve lost 9.4lbs. Now I know some of that will be water, glycogen, and the fact that my entire digestive system is all but empty – but surely not all of it can be down to that… well, even if it is, it’s enough to motivate me to keep going.

Cambridge Diet Lady, whose real name is Serj which is a lot shorter to type, is coming to weight and measure tomorrow, and deliver my next week’s food. She’s a day early because she’s on a training course, but it will still be very interesting to see if I’ve lost some inches as well as some weight. I’m fairly sure I have.

In other news, I’m finally getting the antidepressants out of my system, and that’s not been fun. My brain decided to have one last (hopefully!) wobble, and I spent a very unpleasant afternoon last week feeling suicidal and trying not to self-harm, whilst sitting in the sunshine on a beautiful summer day. The strange thing was that I was very aware that the feelings I was experiencing, of worthlessness and hopelessness and general pointlessness, were not real. All the while I was feeling like this, I was aware enough of the unreality of it to be able to talk to The Husband about it, and to know that it would eventually pass.

A couple of days out in the fresh air and sunlight seemed to do the trick, and now I’m feeling, not positive, but accepting of my own faults, willing to make a plan to deal with them, and able to not get them out of perspective. Just because I (insert fault here) doesn’t mean my loved ones love me any the less, or any of the associated rubbish that goes with that feeling. In fact, since most of my concerns are currently work-related, my loved ones in general couldn’t care less:-)

I figure that if I can get past the worst couple of days I’ve had in over a year without coming off the Cambridge Weight Plan then I can stay on it to the bitter end. And believe me, the desire to eat all of that chocolate in the cupboard was – actually, not there. One thing of which I am now very aware is how much of my life is taken up with food – eating it, choosing what to eat, preparing it, shopping for it, worrying about it, regretting eating those pot noodles, thinking about it… the CWP takes all of that away, and frees up lots of time to do housework, study, play Facebook games, watch TV – although to be fair, resting between contracts helps with that as well:-)

I am seeing it as a reboot of my thinking patterns and food habits in general, so hopefully by the time I have lost all the weight I decide to lose, I’ll be able to maintain that weight with healthy, and more to the point, good quality, eating. Since my diet for weeks on end will consist solely of liquid shakes and soups, when I come off it there is no way I’m going to waste any future eating on junk food. Except maybe, once in a really special while,  the odd pot noodle…

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