Better Living Through Chemistry

Tomorrow I’m going back to the doctor to ask to be put back on the antidepressants. I’m not quite sure how they could say no, since I have the tail end of my last packet and have already taken one:-) They won’t say no. Whichever doctor I see, they are always very pragmatic about the depression and have told me many times that there are no long term ill effects.

I tried. I tried everything I could think of. And in the end, it didn’t work. The blips I thought were part of just coming off the drugs lasted too long, and I can’t live with the random thoughts of suicide and self-harm, the feeling of being an unwanted burden, of being worthless and pointless, any more. I know that it’s not real, I know it’s part of the illness, but fighting against it all the time, telling myself it’s not true, forcing myself to behave as if it’s not true, is taking too much of my energy and at least some of the time it’s not working.

So it’s back to weight gain and problems sleeping, energy fluctuations and the odd dizzy spell. And reality. The real me. Not the paranoid, anxious, unconfident, unstable me, but the real me. The me that I love and like, even if that me can only exist through the lens of an SSRI. Maybe this will be the case for all of my life – although I suspect I’ll be tempted to have another go next year. For the moment though, normal service is anticipated to be resumed within two to three weeks:-)

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4 Responses to Better Living Through Chemistry

  1. Alan Garde says:

    *hugs* I know I haven’t spoken to you much for (well, for way too long) but I’ve been following your progress here and sending thoughts your way and admiring your braveness in “trying to find out what you needed” rather than taking it for granted that you needed the SSRI’s and to see how much was caused by the things you’ve worked through and how much was just because you were cursed with a f*cked up biochemistry.

    I think you have been very brave and pragmatic and pretty inspirational about the whole thing and I’d hoped that things would work out but I am even more pleased that you’ve seen the signs early and recognised them for what they are and taken action. Now that to me, more than anything, speaks volumes about how much progress you made in getting to the bottom of what is/wasn’t and what you wanted for your life.

    So from me, well done, give yourself a slap on the back for being the best to you that you can and I know it will settle things down. It’s not going to be seeing life through the lens of an SSRI though, its more like having the cataracts that make life seem darker than it is removed every single day so we can see it for what it is.

    I’ll also add this into my armoury of “people I know’s personal experiences with depression and medication” that I use if I ever doubt things or if (like the stupid locum doctor I saw last time for my repeat) doctors ever argue “isn’t it time you though about coming off these”.

  2. Anne says:

    Are you staying on the diet or is that a step too far?

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