I’m exhausted. I think I’m getting enough sleep, and this morning I got up before The Husband, which made a nice change. I’m managing fine at work, even though I drove round most of the south of England last week, visiting different offices… but perhaps that’s the problem. I feel as if I’ve long lost any reserves of energy – constantly running on vapours. Yesterday I worked from home, and today I’m not working at all, but I’m exhausted. The utterly drained feeling, shaky legs and not wanting to move off the sofa are back.
I’m so fed up of being so tired. I can’t help thinking that if I only had the energy, I could move mountains. But I’m also thinking that I might be falling into the trap of needing to be Superwoman again…
There is no real physical problem. I’ve had rafts of blood tests, and I’m not even anaemic. Nothing wrong. I’m eating properly, healthily and enough, and taking some appropriate supplements (not too many). Very easy for me to beat myself up for being lazy or lethargic. But it’s only been two months since I started taking my antidepressants, and really, I guess I’m recovering from the very bad time I had before I went to the doctor. So perhaps that is why I’m exhausted and I should look at this period as convalescence.
Previously when I’ve been on antidepressants, I’ve felt as if I lost an essential part of myself. The intensity which envelops me when I am in a really bad place is still there at other times, giving me energy and interest and power and the ability to care. If it comes over me in a good way, I can move mountains. If it comes over me in a bad way, I can destroy myself. There was one period whilst I was being medicated that my emotions did even out, but they evened out at “a bit unhappy”. Although the extreme lows disappeared, I was unable to break out of the flat mood that the tablets induced, and eventually I stopped taking them.
This time, the extreme lows have disappeared, but I am still able to experience change of moods. And that feeling of confidence, of empowerment, that I can have whilst I’m in a good space, has not gone. In fact it feels more solid, more reliable, than it has before, although it’s not there all the time – I still do have some dips in mood and confidence. Even so, right now I am happy to stay medicated.
So the plan for now is to give myself a break, and as much of a rest as I can. The future is never certain, so I need to enjoy the present as much as I can. All of which is of course, much easier said than done…
Ellie's Blog 
“The intensity which envelops me when I am in a really bad place is still there at other times, giving me energy and interest and power and the ability to care. ”
That makes a hella lot of sense to me.
Right now, my writing muse is a bit tired. I’m kicking its ass a little to try and get it going. I socialised too much, which is always a mistake for me.
I hope you get rest and tranquillity. Sounds like you’ve just been really busy!
There is that:-) I hope your muse recuperates as well…
Yes there is a whole bunch of you’ve been running on nerves for ages so burnt up any reserves but also, what you’ve been doing all week is super-tiring, don’t under-estimate it! Driving around, being in different places, meeting people, trying to push things forward. It’s intellectually and emotionally and physically draining. Don’t get trapped by the “I should be able to…” and thinking you should have energy to do stuff after such a hectic week. There should be a whole lot of “wow” at what you’ve achieved this week in one piece. Two months ago you might not have made it through the week even at that pace, now look at you! Still able to be positive even if you are tired out. You go girl.
🙂 Thanks. It’s easy to forget what you’ve achieved when it boils down to having filled in a little bit more of a spreadsheet:-) But if I didn’t do it, I guess someone else would have to…
You know, if you haven’t lived in a “normal” head space, it’s very easy to judge what sounds fairly normal as not normal. We all have moments when we get blue and in a funk. We all have times when we simply are exhausted. And yes, I know that for someone who is being treated for depression, this can be scary because in the past the severity and length of these ups and downs can be overwhelming. But before you decide that treatment isn’t working, try some other things.
I have already suggested a massage. I am also going to suggest while you travel, creating a, for lack of a better word, ritual which you do every morning and evening when you are not at home. This can be as simple or complex as you want it to be. The other thing I would suggest is making sure you have some light exercise every day. A 20 min walk at lunch, a little yoga in the morning or evening, well help with hormone levels burn calories, and help to ground you. This will help with the quality of your sleep.
Be gentle with yourself. Remember that the world will beat you up given the chance. You don’t need to help it. You are doing great!
It’s that being gentle with yourself that’s the issue – but you’re right, with the rest of the world beating you up, you have to be your own best friend….
On the other hand, maybe I was just coming down with a bug:-( Woke up this morning with a poorly throat bug, headache, slight fever, the whole things. As did my eldest son:-( Not everything is connected to depression then! Can’t remember who said it but – sometimes a cigar is just a cigar:-)
Freud said sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Feel better soon.